So that i can remember feeling shit right now for future reference

He had a chance to give an explanation and reply, u see that he did, yet he didnt even say anything last night.

You asked him for news those times, for details of his life there, photos. He sent u short messages, and now u see he had the chance to send u photos even cos his mate made an album of photos sent.

Six and a half weeks of waiting, wondering, etc etc (well six and a half months total) on ur part and nothing from him today.

All the times u second thought, the increasing fear that u r being/ have been made a fool of, and all the really not knowing what the fuck is goin on. And now no excuse, u know something for a fact now, u now HAVE GOT A CHOICE WHAT TO DECIDE BASED ON A FACT.

Judging by how stunningly hot those photos are (and thats saying something cos all his photos are) there are many moments to come when i will forget this. When I find myself thinking back on sweet memories from last summer, considering the what if when I see him this summer, even moping unnecessarily, and no doubt it will be even harder when he comes face to face in the not to distant future.

But this isnt the first doubt I had of course, even back then there were a few things which probably should have clicked. This is just the final climax doubt im allowing myself to have - cos there is nothing now between us on which to have any doubts.

Dont allow urself to become one of those women u could never quite understand in the past - how could they be so stupid? He was always sooo sweet, interesting conversation, great catch and the sex would be incredible. But I would look back when its over and wonder why/ how i had lost all self respect and significant amount of my brain. You will talk to ur mother tomro and she will reaffirm this (yes it is worth spilling ur guts to her). You will talk to select best freinds (z and c) and u will damage control in near future with the couple u slipped up and mentioned to and now wish u hadnt and dont want to feel a complete fool in front of.

Rebound is mayb a good idea right now? Mayb the plan should be - mope for a few days (without breaking my week of healthy eating and exercising), put more effort into healthy eating and exercising and generally making sure i am looking gorgeous soon and irresistible by summer, getting essays out of way soonish (mind off things if i actually mange to become absorbed in boring stuff), starting soonish a programme of partying and smoking as much as poss for at least until i need to start studying (ie way before the usual point of i will fail if i dont start now).

Need to stop wasting time thinking about him. I know there is no chance he will even get near internet or phone soon anyway even if i would hear anything soon and even if he does IM NOT INTERESTED.

Just cant get my head round tho - how people can say things they dont actually really mean? Cos that must be the case or he wouldnt be able to bare it either. I feel like I dont understand anything and I should just go and read poems for a long time until I feel have a verse or even line to some up everything i want to say now.

* later: just to clarify this - u asked something along the lines (wel among other things) 'are u involved with anyone there? hav u been? do u want to be with me still?' that was over six weeks ago, u hav yet to get a reply. i think that is all the reply u need.

majnooooooooooooooooooooona

six months and few words later, his skin is still the softest thing i can imagine
especially his arms
nothing that i want to touch more

still remember the realization, sat in the back of a stuffy car driving to the border, that not only was this the last time in a while id be seeing the landscapes of the beautiful blaad, but that i was forgetting his taste already
tears in my eyes that night as i found his shirt in my case still smelt like him

six months on and hes still playing in my head like a filmstrip
still fantasizing about him, about being with him again
still checking my inbox almost first thing every morning

altho, my heart doesnt even sink anymore when i find nothing
at least most days, and im no longer stalking my phone, scared to leave it on silent
facebooking him has been limited to the customary daily sweep of the newsfeed (nothing new) and the wall ... only occasionally trawling through photos tagged

six months on, and im starting to wonder if ive made a fool of myself
there is a chance ive really not, there are many details left out here
but six months on and i still lack the perspective to work out how big a chance

Sky just before sunset caught in wedges

Sky just before sunset caught in wedges through the mountains covered in carpets of olive tree tops sporadic groups of boxy white buildings. Winding roads from the village to the city. We sit in the back of the mini cab taxi together. Flashes of that most beautiful sunlight - the kind that seems to cast an illuminating glow on everything - falls on our arms. reflects off skin and adornments on wrists. On his left wrist he wears two leather bands - one from a best friend in currently in prison, the other from his recently ex girlfriend. On mine I wear a sample from my vast collection, beads/ bands/ bangles, each a memento. On each side just a couple - the ones he picked out as prettiest last week, including the wooden beads he gave me. Said he found it in his room, but it pulls when he wears it.

A week left. Im gona miss sahran ma3hoo.

next morning

she caught sight of her own happiness in the elevator mirror. Her face upturned as he kissed her neck, she smiled more as she realized her own contentment
he had kissed her the night before, and she'd been so withdrawn unsure not knowing how she should act or how she wanted to act since
as they were about to reenter the rest of the world, his beautiful face watching hers, she kissed him
he kissed her back so deeply, not parting til the last moment before the doors of the lift opened