He had a chance to give an explanation and reply, u see that he did, yet he didnt even say anything last night.
You asked him for news those times, for details of his life there, photos. He sent u short messages, and now u see he had the chance to send u photos even cos his mate made an album of photos sent.
Six and a half weeks of waiting, wondering, etc etc (well six and a half months total) on ur part and nothing from him today.
All the times u second thought, the increasing fear that u r being/ have been made a fool of, and all the really not knowing what the fuck is goin on. And now no excuse, u know something for a fact now, u now HAVE GOT A CHOICE WHAT TO DECIDE BASED ON A FACT.
Judging by how stunningly hot those photos are (and thats saying something cos all his photos are) there are many moments to come when i will forget this. When I find myself thinking back on sweet memories from last summer, considering the what if when I see him this summer, even moping unnecessarily, and no doubt it will be even harder when he comes face to face in the not to distant future.
But this isnt the first doubt I had of course, even back then there were a few things which probably should have clicked. This is just the final climax doubt im allowing myself to have - cos there is nothing now between us on which to have any doubts.
Dont allow urself to become one of those women u could never quite understand in the past - how could they be so stupid? He was always sooo sweet, interesting conversation, great catch and the sex would be incredible. But I would look back when its over and wonder why/ how i had lost all self respect and significant amount of my brain. You will talk to ur mother tomro and she will reaffirm this (yes it is worth spilling ur guts to her). You will talk to select best freinds (z and c) and u will damage control in near future with the couple u slipped up and mentioned to and now wish u hadnt and dont want to feel a complete fool in front of.
Rebound is mayb a good idea right now? Mayb the plan should be - mope for a few days (without breaking my week of healthy eating and exercising), put more effort into healthy eating and exercising and generally making sure i am looking gorgeous soon and irresistible by summer, getting essays out of way soonish (mind off things if i actually mange to become absorbed in boring stuff), starting soonish a programme of partying and smoking as much as poss for at least until i need to start studying (ie way before the usual point of i will fail if i dont start now).
Need to stop wasting time thinking about him. I know there is no chance he will even get near internet or phone soon anyway even if i would hear anything soon and even if he does IM NOT INTERESTED.
Just cant get my head round tho - how people can say things they dont actually really mean? Cos that must be the case or he wouldnt be able to bare it either. I feel like I dont understand anything and I should just go and read poems for a long time until I feel have a verse or even line to some up everything i want to say now.
* later: just to clarify this - u asked something along the lines (wel among other things) 'are u involved with anyone there? hav u been? do u want to be with me still?' that was over six weeks ago, u hav yet to get a reply. i think that is all the reply u need.
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